


Aerodynamic

by asrewrites



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Assault, Betting, Grooming, Implied Violence, Kidnapping, Nudity, Other, Pain, Revenge, Screaming, Sign Language, Swearing, Technology, Threats, Waxing, cheating to win
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-26 07:38:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12054357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asrewrites/pseuds/asrewrites
Summary: In all their time together no one has ever seen Tony show an interest in signing with Clint, which leads Clint and Sam, along with Natasha to make a very'safe bet' with Tony. When they lose Tony has each one do something for him. When Tony's found to have cheated, things really get interesting.





	Aerodynamic

**Author's Note:**

> For the Sam Wilson Big Bang, I collaborated with [ sundaecherries ](http://sundaecherries.tumblr.com/); who did some great artwork which is[ here ](http://sundaecherries.tumblr.com/post/165413445978/the-sam-wilson-birthday-bang-is-here-in-all-their/)

Sam sat on the paper-covered table and shook his head. He didn't know how he had managed to sink so low in life. He’s been a decorated war hero, fought alongside the Avengers, then against the Avengers and had even spent some time passing through every anonymous hell hole in existence while following Steve through his Nomad phase; and yet he had never felt this lost. He was starting to wish for the days drinking stuff called coffee in the butt hole of the world that they were in that day as he sat there and awaited his fate.

He had known, he had seen this happen to so many people before him, but he had still made the bet with Tony. He’d been so certain that he couldn't lose, there was no way that Tony Stark could beat him. He had never once in all the time he’d been around Tony or heard him ‘humble’ bragging about his abilities; not once had he ever seen him drop a message to Clint or mention he even knew that sign language existed.

Sam had learned it in the Forces, it was a good way to pass information covertly, and he and Riley had used it extensively in their missions. When in the air no one was really watching their hands. Sam had stopped using the skills after Riley’s death but had started again when he met Clint. That man was a sly and cheeky bastard. His fingers were lightning fast and he was always making up short forms or entirely new signs that suited him, but Sam enjoyed the way it kept him on his toes and widened his social circle. Sometimes Natasha joined in, she was usually up on Clint’s shorthand, his impatience reached her before anyone else it seemed. Or maybe he was just using her as a sounding board for his ideas and Sam had the wrong impression. Ultimately he had decided not to ask.

It had been a long weekend, one where Tony was on edge and doing everything he could to amuse himself which basically meant that he was driving everyone else nuts in the tower. Pranks had ensued and escalated to the point where FRIDAY had been hacked and was reporting on Tony’s whereabouts whenever he moved. At dinner, Tony had started to try getting people to bet him about this or that. He had roped Steve into a bet about history and lost. Challenged Thor and then Bucky to arm wrestling contest. Neither could be goaded or threatened into taking the challenge though. He had then set his sights on Clint and caught him motioning to Nat, Sam had gotten dragged into things when Tony had noticed that Clint was also making hand gestures at someone behind him. When he turned it he saw Sam and that’s all it took.

Sam had gotten a sinking feeling as soon as he realized Tony had picked him for the next round of betting. When Tony proclaimed it was a sure fire thing, that Sam couldn't lose; well all he’d wanted to do was disappear into a hole and take the hole with him. Nat’s face changed to her stock suspicious look and Clint shrugged; happy not to be the one in Tony’s sights any longer. Clint’s relief was short lived once Tony stated what the wager was. 

“I bet that I can tell what Clint is signing faster than Wilson here can,” he declared with a smirk and Clint’s jaw dropped as Nat got to her feet to object. Once the entire bet was out in the open Tony was then searched by Nat for comms, she took his glasses, watch, wallet and phone; and sat him far away from any reflective surfaces. When she was satisfied he was not connected to anything that could give him an advantage she gave a little shrug to Sam and Clint.

“It’s up to you, but he’s clean,” she said before walking back to her space on the couch across the room.

Sam looked to Clint who shrugged his eyebrows, squinted at Tony then shot Sam a sign off tot he side while staring Tony down. Tony didn’t seem to notice and Clint was giving the ok. Why is that so important? Because the bet wasn’t just about Tony beating Sam in deciphering Clint’s sign language, after being vetted by Nat and okayed by Tony they went through a trial phase. Of course only Tony knew that it was a trial. He sprang that on the group as soon as it ended. What Tony assured them was all the real deal, turned out to be the hook to land them all for round three where Tony had laid down the real challenge.

If he won the third time Tony wanted Sam had to get a full body wax, Nat to wear a custom coloured catsuit around the tower (Iron Man related of course) and Clint was not allowed to fly the Quinjet for a month (mostly because Tony wanted to fly it after the latest upgrades and didn’t want any arguments). It had been a hot debate, with Clint and Sam aching to put Tony in his place and Natasha shaking her head and begging them not to do this, there had to be a catch and she would make their lives hell if she ended up in the catsuit every time she was in the tower for a month. Sam was the only person whose part of the bet would be just minutes of discomfort.

There was no use in thinking about what he had stood to gain, what they had all stood to gain if Tony had failed as spectacularly as he had the first two times. This time, however, Tony was flawless. He seemed to magically know just what Clint was signing even before the communication was complete. Everyone was stunned, but Nat. She was just pissed and when it was clear not even the most unusual, under-used sign in Clint’s vocabulary or stable of made up things, was going to stop Tony; Nat called it quits. She actually jumped on Tony’s back and started pummelling him while screeching “I will not wear an Iron Man catsuit. It had better be loose. No pictures, no video and it is never NEVER to be spoken of! I will END You!!!!!!”

Tony, although frightened giggled nervously as Clint hauled her off and left the room. He straightened himself out before he locked eyes with Sam and said menacingly, “I’ll set up your appointment for tomorrow afternoon. Just think of how aerodynamic you’re going to be.” Tony grinned and clapped his hands together as he flicked his eyes over Sam. It made his skin crawl.

Sam stepped up to Tony, forcing him to look up as he was still seated low on the stool after Nat’s attack. “No hair above the neck. If I lose so much as an eyebrow hair you’ll never see me coming.”

Tony swallowed and nodded. “Sure thing Birdman. Waxed from the neck down only.”

“Leave my natural hairline in the back alone.” Same stared down at Tony until he raised his hands and nodded in agreement.

“I wouldn't dream of letting anyone mess with your hairline.”

Sam nodded stiffly before he marched off to his room and started a few hours of checking out the areas to be denuded the next day. He’s had his chest waxed before, and didn't recall it being that great or that bad. He wasn’t too excited about having it done to the more hair rich areas lower down. He slept uneasily and was on edge for the entire day leading up to now.

He had assumed that Tony’s choice would be a lavish spa, and so far Sam hadn’t been wrong. He had been told his waxer’s name would be Helga and he wanted that to be the name of a lovely older woman who was nonplussed by his nervous state, and definitely one he’d want to hide his face from. He knew Tony would do his best to get some hot young thing in here to do the job, just to embarrass him. Tony knew as well as Sam did that he was a nervous flirter. Sure he could be smooth and suave when he was comfortable, but when he was on edge he was off key and borderline annoying.

As he sat there in nothing but a towel Sam knew that now was not the time to be borderline annoying. The protocol for waiting was one he wasn’t sure of. He knew he’d been there some minutes, but he didn't know if that was an unusual wait or not. It was sill to expect that Helga was coming in here today only to wax him. She probably had a number of clients and was on a break or something. Sam knew he was reaching for anything to make him feel better about the anxiety he was feeling over this entire thing. He knew it was going to hurt, but now it was going to hurt in new and unusual places.

When Helga came in finally, she was lean tall and about 20 if she was a day. Sam could see Tony’s fingerprints all over that coincidence. Sam sighed and let Helga introduce herself. She explained what she was going to do as she looked over his arms chest and back. She had hi lift his legs and ran a hand over his shins, nodding as she did. She suggested starting with his back, asc then his legs. He was pretty certain that she mispronounced ass, but she said it again that way as she explained how she would wax his front, and finish up the sides and armpits.

“Uh, Miss Helga?”

“Yes?” 

“Why do you keep saying asc?”

“It’s short for ass, sack, and crack; don’t worry it’s like a Brazilian for men.”

Sam slowly nodded and then he started to really worry. He should have examined what people can and did get waxed. Leave it to Tony to find the whole body package that would turn Sam into the most hairless person in the tower, including Vision. Sam let Helga direct him to lie down on the bed, he hadn’t noticed before that there was a nice little pillow ring so that he could breathe and be face down. He was fairly comfortable and the warmth of the wax wasn’t uncomfortable. He was thinking that even the way she pressed the cloth strips on wasn’t that bad when she ripped it off. 

Sure it was quick, and it was mainly just a stinging sensation after the initial pain. The initial pain though, that was making Sam wonder how quickly Tony would find out if he ran out of there and tried to disappear. Once she got going though, things sort of blended into a constant, low-level thrum. Sam was thinking he could deal with this and then the towel came off. He wasn’t overly hairy so the ass part of the asc wasn’t so different from having his back done. Then she spread his legs and he felt her start to spread warm wax along his ass crack and downwards. 

Sam didn’t know why he had been worried about the kind of woman that was going to wax him anymore, he was wondering more about the fact that this woman was fast, efficient and like to be cruel. She encouraged him to relax and not to clench. Especially when the wax or strip was on. First rule of waxed crack club, do as the waxer says. Sam clenched and after much swearing, screaming on his part and a sound scolding the area was redone as quickly as possible because, while some of the original wax came away with hair, the cloth had been caught in place and shredded causing Helga to have to clean up the area and start again. She was nicer about scolding him this time saying that while he had a nice ass, she would smack it hard if he did that again.

He managed to get through the crack part without clenching again. He had his hands dug as far into the sides of the table as he could get them, as some parts of his butt were hairier than others. It was the sac part that really got him though. He was lulled into a false sense of strength by Helga saying that he’d done so well and this part was a breeze. When she tore that strip off he knew both he and the table levitated off the ground as he howled. Nothing had prepared him for that feeling. Perhaps guessing she had only one shot, Helga had put on the largest wax patch she could and then taken it off with a large, wide strip. 

She shushed him. Saying that nothing could hurt him now, he had finished the asc Olympics and won a gold. Sam didn’t rightly care what she would say, he wanted to pick up his tattered pride and go far away. Tony and the others be damned. He briefly wondered if Natasha had ever had a Brazilian and if that had made her somewhat sympathetic to his plight. Might she hide him or would she laugh at him? Helga, for her part, was quickly taking off hair she found along his inner thighs and down his legs.

He barely had time to fully mull escape and evasion over before Helga asked him to turn over. Sam was at first relieved, then she started along his chest. He’d done this before, this was easy. He was breathing deeply and his breath stayed steady until she reached his abs. He didn’t have a lush one but Sam had a treasure trail that was ripped off seconds later. He clenched that time, glad there were no dirty looks from Helga or recriminations. She smiled sweetly at him as she spread wax across pubic area and he sucked in a breath trying to prepare for the tearing. He almost bit through his lip when she tore the first strip off, and by the time she was done with that area he had tears in his eyes and was silently asking for Jesus to take him now. 

His mother would be so ashamed to see her son like this he thought as Helga had him roll to one side and raise his arm. Darlene Wilson was a strong woman, and she had prided herself on raising a strong man in Sam. Yet here he was at a spa, in tears. He didn’t know if Darlene had ever waxed anything, so maybe she would understand his plight; but Sam still thought she would shake her head in shame at the foolishness that had brought him here, to begin with. Just as he shook his head like his mother might be in heaven, he felt Helga start to pull off the strip now under his arm.

Sam screeched like a dying cat and cursed a streak so blue Bucky Barnes might have blushed. Helga, for her part, settled his arm back into position and took off whatever was left of his hair and, Sam was certain, a part of his soul went with it. She tutted at him and said, “The wax goes on with the hair, comes off against it. Hair her grows many ways so we do it twice.”

He nodded and sobbed as she got him to roll over to the other side and did the same thing to his other armpit. She then had him stand up and she looked him over while applying the finishing cream. She explained how it was supposed to work, and what he could do for bumps or ingrown hairs as she went over him, tweaking here and there with a pair of tweezers to make sure he was bare everywhere intended. Sam twitched and jerked every time her tweezers plucked out an errant hair.

He felt panicked and really hoped that she wasn’t going to put on some weird headlight contraption to check his ass crack. As soon as he found out that that wasn’t going to happen he felt relief flood over him. There was no way in hell he could have saved himself from unending humiliation if she had tweezed anything from that sensitive area. Sam was certain that he’d been handled with more compassion by army medics and that said something to him about Helga’s professional detachment. She was efficient but totally uninterested in him, which was good because after all this Sam couldn’t look at her as he would someone he might want to flirt with. Too much had passed between them for casual flirting.

When she was satisfied he was fully denuded she handed him a Kleenex, “For your eyes.”, and told him to get dressed as he was done. 

Sam had barely gotten his pants on when his phone alert went off. It was the emergency alert, of course, so he checked it right away. The message was a video and he played it not thinking anything unusual was going on. The video showed him a readout display, one that was facing Clint and interpreting his signing. Sam recognized the scene from the day of the bet, but not the look of the display. He had never seen anything like it that he could recall. When the video abruptly cut, suddenly Tony was looking at himself as the display told him something about his teeth and the video ended. Sam was livid. Tony had cheated; he was wearing some kind of contact that gave him a visual connection to FRIDAY and the AI had given him the advantage in the last bet.

Sam began to pace back and forth, swearing under his breath, he was furious and without even thinking about it, Sam automatically forwarded the video to Nat and Clint. Maybe they already knew and had received the same message; if not Tony would find out soon enough what the wrath of the three of them was like. 

Sam ran his hands over his head and tried to breathe deeply. “Shit!” he whined as he thought of all the hair that had just been ripped from his body. He wanted Tony to suffer. He wanted that man to feel his pain. 

Less than thirty seconds later both Nat and Clint responded with a string of expletives and about a minute after that, Sam’s phone alerted him to the fact that Tony Stark had disappeared from the tower and was presumed kidnapped by the tower’s AI. Sam chuckled and called to Helga. He was going to need her help with this.

“Helga darling. How long was my session booked for?”

“3 Hours.” she said in a bored tone with a little shrug.

“3 hours, based on?” Sam’s voice climbed with outrage and he tried to level it out. She didn’t know him and God only knew what Tony might have said about the person or persons coming in.

“Yes, big man, full body wax, first timer. You were actually quite good. Very little tears.”

“So there is still time left?”

“Yes, about 45 minutes.”

“How would you feel about doing another asc?”

“You can’t have another,” she started to object looking horrified until Sam calmed her down. 

“It’s not for me, my friend wants one too. He just had to be convinced it wasn’t so bad.”

“Well, the appointment isn’t up and on the call, it was said maybe 3 people, so I could see another. Of course, if we go over it costs more.”

“Of course.” Agreed Sam as he nodded along with her. Helga left him alone in the room as she went off to get more supplies and something to eat.

About twenty minutes later Sam had managed to get Helga to tell him if Tony had ever been there before. She shrugged and said once or twice. He had a usual girl who wasn’t there. It didn’t matter who took an appointment when the regular person wasn’t there, as long as Tony didn't complain. Helga made it perfectly clear that she wasn’t going to lose her job for him, and Sam guaranteed her that wouldn't happen. After a short phone call to a very unimpressed Pepper Potts, Sam was assured that even if Tony was pissed enough to cause a scene, Pepper would make sure Helga had a job.

Minutes later a blindfolded and mag lock cuffed Tony Stark was brought into the room. From the looks of it Tony was wearing the Ironman catsuit his bet had required Nat to wear. 

  
  


Nat was dressed in street clothes as was Clint. Clint slung Tony onto the table and set about getting him ready for the waxing. 

“You two sure this will work,” Clint grunted as he pulled Tony free of one cuff, unzipped the front of the catsuit and pulled his arm free, the relocked Tony and moved to the other side of the table to start again.

“I’m certain that Tony would rather leave here with all his body parts. Wouldn’t you Tony?”

A shiver ran through Tony at Nat’s sickly sweet cooing and he nodded. She went over to him and patted the top of his head. “I’d really prefer to leave here fully intact, but if I have to lose some hair it’s only fair.” Came Tony’s shaky verbal reply.

“I was out voted on that. I think you should have many punishments, but the boys,” she hissed and glared from Sam to Clint before looking down at Tony’s head again, “Don’t agree with me. That’s partially why I put you in the catsuit.”

“And the other part?”

“Safety. No one needs to find you before we’re done here.”

The plan that had been hatched via text and was fairly simple. Tony had cheated and had to pay. Sam’s terms of repayment was Tony getting asc-ed by Helga. Nat had already had some of her revenge/repayment and she had taken many blackmail photos and a few videos along the way to cement Tony’s cooperation. Since Clint hadn’t been asked to do anything too offensive or personally upsetting, he wasn’t looking for anything other than everyone else’s satisfaction. Since Nat had wanted to hang Tony from the A on Stark Tower, in the catsuit, she was going to have to find other ways to find satisfaction. 

“I took him down with my spider bites, they should have fried any trackers in him including the lenses. Nice cheat by the way,” she said and smacked the back of Tony’s head so it bounced off of the hole in the table and he grunted as she continued, “I stripped off his clothes, glasses, watch, rings, necklaces and everything else I could find; including the dermal heart monitor he usually wears. I brought along a mini d-fib if he gets spotty.”

As she spoke Clint pulled off the rest of the catsuit and offered it to her. She shook her head and he dropped it on the floor. 

“They aren’t going to find us with him are they?” Clint looked worriedly from Nat to Sam and back again. Nat shrugged and then so did Sam.

“I don’t know if he’s wired internally. It’s kind of unlikely that he would tell us right now either,” Sam explained as he moved away from the top of the table. He motioned for Clint to follow him and both men stopped by Tony’s feet. 

“Ever had this done,” Sam asked Clint quietly.

“Nah. Body hair doesn’t make a difference to what I do,” Clint smirked at Sam after a second and Sam groaned.

“Did he tell everyone about that?”

“I don’t see how body hair would make a man less aerodynamic. I don’t understand the argument that it makes swimmers slower in the water or even in the air. It’s not made of cement.” Mused Nat as she made sure the fabric tied around Tony’s eyes was secure.

“What’s with the blindfold?”

“Well Sam, I couldn’t tell if he was wearing those contacts and he wouldn't say. If he can’t see they can't see.”

“Smart.” Clint nodded in agreement with himself and Sam and Nat rolled their eyes. 

“Uh, excuse me. But when is this show getting on the road? I have places to be and a kidnapping to refute.”

“Shut up Tony!” Sam, Nat, and Clint called in unison as Helga walked back in. She didn't seem at all phased to see four people in the room. One of whom was already naked and face down on her table, and very obviously attached to it as well. 

“Helga, this is Mr. Stark.”

“Oh please, call me Tony, since you’re looking at my ass and all,” came Tony’s snarky correction before Helga could say a word.

“It’s not allowed for people to be physically held down,” said Helga as she looked pointedly at Sam’s hand on Tony’s ankle. 

“Oh that?” Sam pulled his hand away with a grin, “I was just leaning there for support.”

Helga raised an eyebrow at him then turned away and started to prepare Tony.  
For his part, Tony didn’t fuss too much, but Clint turned to face the wall and refused to watch the scene. “Some things cannot be unseen,” he said stoically and Nat snorted. It made perfect sense to Sam and he followed Clint’s lead.

“Here comes the wax,” cheered Nat with a little clap and Sam clenched his ass involuntarily, knowing all to well what was coming. He had seen for himself that Tony was a hairy man. Much hairier than Sam at any rate.

“Come on, I didn’t do anything wrong,” Tony whined as Helga spread the wax.

“You cheated Tony. I could respect that if it wasn’t for the cheap and itchy material that catsuit was made of. I understand that you enjoy cheap thrills and doing things at the expense of others, but I don’t accept that you were dumb enough to think that you could get away with it on my watch.”

Tony sputtered at that and shook his head. “Oh come on, as if you wouldn't have done the same thing given the chance!”

“I have no interest in humiliating people by making them wear silly and ugly outfits or by waxing off all their hair, Tony. You should know better than that.”

“But you put me in that catsuit as soon as you could, so don’t tell me you don’t do humiliation.”

“I didn't say I didn't do it, I said that I didn't do it to my friends just to amuse myself.”

“Are you saying that we aren’t friends? C’mon Natasha I didn’t mean anything with the catsuit,” Tony pleaded and Nat grinned as she leaned close to Tony.

“In matters of revenge, no humiliation is too small Mr. Stark,” she purred as Tony trembled. “Now for our terms.” Nat outlined what each of the three wanted, on top of the waxing revenge. 

Clint really didn’t mind not flying the jet for a month, and instead asked for 6 months free pizza to be delivered to him anytime, anywhere from his favourite place. Considering everyone knew Clint was off for a few weeks on a mission to Suriname soon, it was a pricey ask and Tony balked at it. Tony disagreed with everything, even Sam’s simple request for an apology to be delivered in the common room. He kept insisting he hadn’t done anything wrong and refusing to agree to anything. 

All negotiations ended when Helga ripped the first strip off Tony’s ass. Tony squawked and Sam and Clint each held their breath while Nat giggled. Helga was quick and efficient, she cleared his crack and still Tony wouldn’t budge despite the scream that came out of him. 

“C’mon Tony, you don’t have to lose all the hair down there if you’ll just agree to our terms.”

“I’m already getting waxed, might as well go for broke baby,” Tony spluttered. 

Helga moved on to the Brazilian part and with one fluid movement, she took all Tony’s pride, hair, and his will to fight. After a high-pitched scream and few tissues, Tony agreed to all terms. Sam stopped listening when Tony started to complain that he now had to have the waxing finished or he wouldn’t be able to face Pepper. He kept mumbling, “She’s into symmetry and won’t forgive me.”

Half an hour later the four of them left, Tony in a fuzzy bathrobe purchased from the gift shop in the spa, and the rest in their regular clothes. By the time they returned to the tower, the manhunt for the kidnapped billionaire playboy had been called off. Most of the team had been alerted about what had happened and why. Fury grounded all of the culprits from missions, except Clint. He had to go to Suriname, to be grounded as soon as he returned.

Nat grumbled the most about that, but then set her sights on testing the tower for weak spots in security and enlisted Bucky and Sam as lookouts. At least it kept them busy and Sam only had to put up with Barnes trying to get him to talk about the waxing ordeal. It was in the gym that he had the greatest problems. Steve kept trying to touch him, to see if he was smoother.

Tony, after making endless cracks about Sam being silky smooth like a hairless chihuahua for a week, got very drunk one night and showed everyone that was around exactly what an asc wax looked like. 

It had happened casually enough. Nat was running Truth or Dare and everyone was drinking, even the super soldiers. Thor had dropped off some Asgardian Mead and it was party time for all. It was Wanda who had started it, asking Tony if he thought he’d get waxed again. 

“Of course I might. Pepper seems to like it.” Tony answered with an eyebrow wiggle at the young woman.

Almost everyone groaned, except Bucky who then asked the next question; the very same one that he had been asking Sam all week and he groaned when he heard it. “What exactly did they do?”

“Well,” said Tony as he stood up and dropped his pants before anyone could blink. “They waxed here and here, and here.” As he spoke he turned and moved so that all waxed areas were displayed. It was like a car crash and no one could look away. Sam had never wanted to know the things he knew about Tony now, and he was pretty certain that the rest of the team felt the same way.

Nat, who had gone for a drink must have come back and when she saw the scene she made the right call saying, “Jesus Tony, put that shit away. You’re scarring people for life.”

Tony giggled and pulled his pants back up. As he stood and looked at everyone his smile fell and he blushed. No one would bet on anything with Tony after that, and for the most part, Tony didn't dare ask them to. All of this left Sam relieved that no one would be asking him about what he’d had waxed and why; especially after Tony’s little show and tell. 

He did have to contend with a few knowing looks a few weeks later when Steve and Bucky returned from a pet store with tales of all the puppies, Mexican hairless chihuahuas to be exact. Both men took turns after that pestering Sam about how it really felt to be waxed and then Sam did something he could never explain; he bet Bucky and Steve that if they could get their front and back waxed, not just the asc, then he would let them find out how smooth he really was. Apparently, Sam hadn’t really learned his lesson about making bets.


End file.
